Stay
by Ms Chanadler Bong
Summary: AU: Hey guys! This is an AU about what would have happened had Castle and Beckett had a talk at the end of 4x19. Let me know what you guys think! I hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1

She was worried her heart was going to jump out of her chest; Kate stood there making her and Castle a cup of coffee, trying to steady herself for a conversation she had been ready to have since the day she'd laid eyes on him.

"Thanks." Castle said half heartedly, as Beckett handed him the cup of coffee.

"So.. what did you want to talk about?" Kate said, as butterflies took over her stomach.

Castle took a deep breath, trying to not let the pain and anger of the betrayal he had just discovered come to the surface. He could barely look at her, he couldn't for the life of him understand why she wouldn't just tell him that she didn't feel the same way.

"I.." Castle paused, trying to measure his words, not knowing how to say what came next.

" I just wanted to tell you that, I think this would be a good time for me to take some time off." Castle finally blurted out, the weight of his words weighing on both him and Beckett.

Beckett didn't say anything for a minute, trying to search his eyes for answers she couldn't find.

"Take some time off?" Kate asked, feeling like she had just been punched in the stomach.

"Yeah, I feel like I haven't gotten any writing done and Gina has been on my case for ages. Maybe some time would be good to for all of us to figure out what we want." Castle said, the bitterness seeping into his words.

"I didn't know there was anything to figure out." Beckett said, holding back all the things she has been dying to say.

There were so many things Castle wanted to say, things he knew would hurt her, things he felt she deserved in that moment. But even in his angriest, most hurt moment, he could never hurt her.

"I thought we could have farewell drinks at the Old Haunt tomorrow night, on me." He finally said, changing the topic.

Kate couldn't hide the confusion and disappointment she felt. She really thought this conversation would be about the two of them confessing their feelings for each other. But maybe it was too late, maybe even a man who loved her as much as Castle did could wait for only so long.

"Sound good." Kate said, trying to manage a smile but failing.

Castle just looked at her, trying to find it in his heart to stay.

"Goodnight, detective." He said and as he walked away from her, his heart sank. As much as Castle wanted to punish her, he couldn't help feel like he was walking away from all that had made his life worth living these past four years.

Kate didn't know what to do, she wanted so badly to tell him to stay, to have him know how much she loved him, how much she need him but words always seemed to fail her. She decided to do what she always did when she was lost, call Lanie.

"So he's leaving?" Lanie asked, as she poured Kate and herself a glass of wine.

This had come to become their little tradition, sitting in Kate's apartment, drinking wine and talking about their troubles.

"Yeah and I don't even know why." Kate said, a sadness taking over her.

"Maybe, he couldn't do this little dance anymore." Lanie said.

Kate shot Laine a look, she knew Laine was right but god did it hurt to think this was it.

"I don't get what changed." Kate said, after a moment.

"Maybe that was the problem." Lanie said.

"What do you mean?" Kate asked, confused.

"Maybe the whole problem is that nothing has changed between the two of you for the past four years. Maybe he wants more, Kate." Lanie said, trying to make her friend see what everyone had known for years.

"Then why wouldn't he just say something." Kate said, almost mad at Castle.

"The same way, you've said something." Lanie said.

Kate looked at Laine as if she had something completely ludicrous.

"Don't give me that look, you know you love him. It's about time that you tell him." Lanie said.

Kate wanted to argue, act as if none of it was true but she didn't want to hide it anymore.

"What's the point now, he clearly doesn't feel the same way." Kate said, a lump forming in her throat.

"Girl, you need to tell him, for your sake and his. The man loves you, he changed for you. He deserves to know how you feel about him." Lanie said, sipping her wine.

Kate wanted so badly to just tell Castle everything and have their happily ever after but she wasn't sure she was ready. She didn't think that she could tell him she loved him and then ask him to wait all over again. So, Kate decided to have her wine and hope and pray that tomorrow would be the day she would find it in her heart to tell him how she felt; hope and pray that she would find a way to make him stay.

The next day, Castle didn't come into the precinct, he texted Ryan saying he would meet them at the Old Hunt after they were done for the day.

Kate couldn't focus on anything all day, all she could think about was Castle. She kept staring at that empty chair next to her, knowing that not having him sitting there, making up ridiculous theories anymore, was more than she could bare.

Kate was visibly nervous as the walked into the bar, knowing that this could be the last time she saw Castle. The night went of like any other which seemed to hurt everyone even more. It was the last time all of them would go out like this, laugh like this. It really felt like the end of something.

Kate always made sure to not have too much to drink, trying to be responsible and dignified as always. But tonight, she decided to let go, what did she have to lose? The love of her life was leaving and she couldn't stop him, not without asking him to wait for something that may never happen. So she drank, drank like there was no tomorrow because the truth was that she didn't want to face a tomorrow without Castle.


	2. Chapter 2

One after the other, everyone began to leave until Castle and Beckett were the only ones left. Beckett who was beyond the point of having any control, couldn't stop mumbling things in a voice that made it seem like she was about to cry. Castle tried not to be distracted by what she was saying as he tried to figure out how to get her home. Ordinarily, he would've gotten her a cab and headed home but she was so drunk that he was worried about her getting to her apartment on her own.

"Come on, it's time to get you home." Castle said, putting Beckett's arm around his shoulder in an attempt to balance her.

"I still have some of my drink left." Beckett said, barely holding onto her glass.

"I think you've had enough." Castle said, taking the glass from Beckett's hand and placing it on the table.

Beckett continued to mumble words Castle couldn't make out as he dragged her across the bar. For a few moments, they stood in silence as they waited for a cab.

"I wish you'd just stay." Beckett said, looking at Castle through the hair that had fallen across her face.

"I can't, Kate." Castle said, the words hurting him as they left his mouth.

Castle tried to shut all of the pain out as he and Beckett headed to her place. He hated the effect she still had on him, how she could reel him back in the second she wanted. There was a part of him that wanted to grab her and kiss her, forgive her for everything and start afresh. As much as he loved her, he couldn't get himself to do it, he couldn't forgive her, not yet.

Getting Beckett up to her room was harder than Castle thought it would be. By the time, they had reached the elevator, Kate seemed completely unable to stand on her own and felt so much heavier than she actually was. The farthest Castle could get her was the couch, so he lay her down and took off her shoes. Once he had covered her up with the blanket Kate always left on the arm of the couch, he began to leave.

"Please stay Castle." Beckett said, grabbing Castle's hand.

"I told you, I can't." Castle said, suddenly feeling sad as he saw the helplessness on Kate's face.

"Just for tonight then." Beckett said.

Before Castle could say anything, he heard Beckett snoring. He thought about leaving, she was probably going to be out for the night but he couldn't get himself to leave her hand. The thought that this might be the last night they could be together without everything changing was what made him sit down on the armchair next to the couch. He knew he had to leave but not right away, he thought; he could stay, even if just for a little while.

Kate woke up the next morning, with the worst headache she had ever had. The sunlight from the blinds was almost blinding. Kate put out a hand covering her eyes as she gathered the strength to sit up straight. She was surprised to see Rick sleeping on the chair next to her. He looked so handsome with the sunlight shining on his face. She wanted time to stop, just so she could be there, watching him sleep just for a little while longer.

"Hey." Castle said, waking up.

"Hey." Kate said, with a small smile.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright, I must have fallen asleep." Castle said, standing up, ready to leave.

"It's fine, thank you for taking care of me." Beckett said, brushing her hair away from her face.

Castle just smiled, stopping short of telling her how he would always take care of her.

"I should get going." Castle said.

"Do you want to have a cup of coffee first?" Kate asked, walking toward the kitchen.

"I should really get going." Castle said, looking at his watch.

"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" Kate asked, looking visibly hurt.

Both of them knew she wasn't talking about this morning.

"I just..." Castle started.

"You what?" Beckett asked, walking towards Castle.

"I can't stay anymore." Castle said, the feelings starting to well up inside of him.

"Why not?" Beckett asked.

"I don't want to talk about this." Castle said, trying to avoid completely losing his mind.

"Why not? After all of this time, I at least deserve an explanation." Beckett said, feeling somewhat betrayed.

"You deserve an explanation and I don't?" Castle said, raising his voice.

Beckett was taken aback, she had never seen Castle this angry.

"What are you taking about?" Beckett asked after a moment.

"You know what I'm talking about. You remember." Castle said, a weight suddenly lifting from his chest.

"Castle... I can explain." Beckett said, stuttering out the words.

"Explain what? That you didn't feel the same way and were too much of a coward to say it?" Castle said, seething with anger.

"That's not what's going on, just let me explain." Beckett said, trying to touch Castle's arm.

"I'm tired, Kate. I'm tired of trying to convince you that I am someone worthy of being with you. I'm tired of trying to convince myself, I just can't do it anymore. I've spent the last four years trying to be the kind of guy who would deserve you and nothing seems to be enough. I've told you how I've felt and I've waited. I just can't anymore." Castle said, tears streaming down his face. He didn't wait for Beckett's response and started toward the door.

"Castle! Castle!" Beckett called out after him but he was already gone.

Beckett fell on her couch and began to cry. She couldn't hold any of it in, anymore. All of it came rushing back to her, the shooting, Castle telling her he loves her. This was not how things were supposed to be, she was supposed to find her way back to him. Despite everything they had been through, for the first time, she felt like he was actually gone, maybe forever. What was she supposed to do without him? How was she supposed to go on knowing that he was the love of her life and they wouldn't have the happy ending she had always imagined?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you guys for all your reviews! I really appreciate all of the support! I'm not sure how long this story is going to be, I hope you've liked it so far and will like wherever it heads. Let me know what you think!

Beckett hadn't stopped calling Castle since he had left her apartment. She was inconsolable, it had been hours and he hadn't answered a single one of her calls. Kate soon realized that the only way to save what they had was to head over to Castle's place and get him to hear her side of things.

As she drove over to his house, all Kate could think about was the pain in Castle's voice as he had told her how he couldn't wait any longer. Tears began falling down Kate's face, the pain starting to feel unbearable. She couldn't understand how things had gotten to this, gotten to what seemed like a point of no return. She loved him, with all of her heart but she just wasn't ready to love him the way he deserved and maybe that's what she should've told him.

Kate drove as fast as she could, not wanting to waste another moment. She stood in front of his door and took a deep breath, preparing herself for all of the anger, betrayal and hurt that awaited her. She knocked on the door, trying to think of the right words to express all that she had been unable to say.

"Katherine darling." Martha said, standing next to the door.

"Hey Martha, is Castle home?" Kate asked, the sadness and desperation clear in her voice.

"He isn't, why don't you come inside?" Martha asked, stepping aside to let Kate in.

"Do you know where he is?" Kate asked.

"I'm not completely sure, he just came home very upset and said he needed to get away from the city. He packed a bag in a hurry and headed off. When I asked him where he was going, he told me he'd tell me once he was there." Martha said.

Kate sat on the couch with a hopeless thud. She couldn't fight the tears that had begun flowing down her cheeks like a waterfall.

"Oh darling, it's going to be okay. Maybe he just needs some time." Martha said.

"I think I really hurt him." Kate said, holding her head in her hands.

"You hurt the ones you love most." Martha said, reassuringly.

Kate looked up at Martha, her eyes filled with tears.

"The love the two of you have for each is something all of us see every day. You will find your way back to each other." Martha said, putting her arm around Kate.

Kate hugged Martha back and let out a small sob.

"For what it's worth, I think he's in the Hamptons." Martha said.

Kate pulled away and looked at Martha, feeling hopeful for the first time the past few days.

Martha went into Rick's study, grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled something on it.

"This is the address, go get him!" Martha said, cheerfully.

"Thank you, Martha. For everything." Kate said, giving Martha a quick hug.

"No problem, kiddo." Martha said.

Kate got into her car and headed toward the Hamptons. She thought about calling Rick, to make sure he was there, to make sure he wanted her there with him but she couldn't bare the thought of him telling her to not come; so, she drove through the night, hoping and praying that he would be there and he'd give her that warm smile when they met, the one that made her heart melt.

The drive was long and exhausting but Kate never let herself think about it. She'd drive to the ends of the earth if it meant getting Castle back. As she drove, she imagined all of the scenarios in her head, trying to prepare for whatever Castle decided to throw at her. Each and every scenario she could imagine ended with Castle telling her, he needed more time; the very thought breaking her heart into a million pieces.

She stood in front of his door, took a deep breath and knocked. What did she have to lose anymore?

"Beckett, what are you doing here?" Castle asked.

"I need you to hear my side of things." Kate said, walking into the house.

The house was beautiful. It was exactly the way she had imagined it. A mix of something traditional and modern. She looked around for a moment and thought back to when she was going to tell Castle how she felt about him and say yes to coming here with him. What she wouldn't do to go back to that moment and tell Rick how much he meant to her.

"Kate?" Castle said, snapping Beckett out of her thoughts.

"I need you to know why I did what I did." Kate said.

"I told you, I need space. I'm not ready to talk about this yet." Castle said.

"Okay, then just listen." Kate said.

Castle didn't say anything, he crossed his arms and just stared at Beckett.

Kate took Castle's silence as sign that he was ready to listen. She took a deep breath and decided to let go of all that she had been holding back.

"When you told, me you loved me, I should've said something. I should've told you that I wasn't ready." Kate said, all her feelings coming to the surface.

"I just never thought this was how that moment would play out. After the shooting, I was in such a horrible place and I just didn't know how to handle any of it, it was all too much." Kate continued, her eyes filled with tears.

"Beckett..." Castle said, trying to interrupt her.

"Just let me finish." Kate said, with a sob.

Castle nodded at Beckett and gestured for her to continue.

"You deserved better. You deserved better than to think that I didn't feel the same way. I love you, Castle. I love you with all of my heart, I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I want to tell you that I'm ready, that all of this wait was worth it. But the truth is I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I want to give us a shot, a real shot. I have never felt about anyone, the way I do about you and I promise to wait, for as long as you need, to forgive me." Kate said.

Castle didn't know what to say. He stood there, in silence. There was such a large part of him that wanted to grab her and kiss her and start their lives together. As much as he had waited for this moment, he couldn't help but still feel betrayed. He didn't know if he was ready to forgive Kate, just yet.


	4. Chapter 4

"Castle... say something." Beckett said, looking up at him, her heart pounding.

"I'm thinking." Castle said, staring into the distance.

"About what?" Beckett asked, walking over to sit next to him on the couch.

"About us. I don't think you're ready, Kate." Castle said, finally looking up at her.

"Why would you say that? I am." Kate said, desperately.

"You said it yourself, you said you weren't ready." Castle said.

"Did I?" Kate asked, realising how she'd let her insecurities about not being ready slip out.

"You did and that's okay. Maybe it just means that we need some time away from each other." Rick said.

"Rick, no." Kate said, reaching for his hand.

"Look, it's just till you're ready." Castle said.

"I don't know how long that's going to be." Kate said, honestly.

"Kate, I love you and I want to be with you, more than anything but if we're going to do this, we're going to do it right." Castle said, giving Kate a small smile.

"I understand why you want to hold off being together till I'm ready but why do we have to be away from each other?" Kate asked, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

"I think we need to step away from this little dance of ours and figure out where we really stand." Castle said.

Kate didn't say anything, she just looked away. She couldn't help think about what she would do if Castle realised, all he was in love with was this dance.

"This isn't us leaving each other's lives, Kate. It's just a time out." Castle said, trying to be reassuring.

"And what if you at the end of this time out, you realise you don't love me, anymore?" Kate asked, starting to cry. She didn't want to put Castle in a spot but she couldn't help herself.

"Kate, hey.." Castle said, lifting her face to meet his. "I love you, with all of my heart I do but I want us to have a real shot. I want you to be happy, happy with me and the only way I see that happening is if I let you heal on your own."

"I need you, Rick. I can't do this without you." Kate said, trying to find a way to make him stay.

"I'm always here for you, Kate." Castle said, holding Kate's hand.

Kate looked into Castle's eyes for a moment. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to explain but words seemed to fail her. She held his face in her hands and pulled him close for a small yet passionate kiss. It was as if all that they had been holding back had been said through that one kiss.

They spent the rest of their time, in each other's arms, neither of them saying a word.

Kate was exhausted when she came back from the Hamptons. She tried to sleep it off, hoping that some sleep would help with this overpowering sadness she felt. But by the evening she felt so lonely, she couldn't bare it. She invited Lanie over for some wine, hoping she could help with some of her Castle blues.

Kate told Lanie everything that happened over a bottle of wine.

"I think he's right." Lanie said, sipping her wine.

"But what if this is just him pulling away? Realising that all of this wasn't worth it." Kate said, finally saying out loud all of the things she had been trying to supress.

"Kate, he loves you and he's stayed with you through everything. He's not running away, he's trying to help." Lanie said.

"But I need him, I can't do this without him." Kate said.

"Maybe what he needs right now is some time on his own." Lanie said.

"What do you mean?" Kate asked.

"Your shooting, finding out about you remembering and everything in between, all of it has been a lot for him too. Maybe what he needs is sometime to process all of it." Lanie said.

"I just don't want to lose him." Kate said, almost crying.

"Honey, you won't. Just give him some time." Lanie said, pulling Kate in for a hug.

Kate tried to convince herself that Lanie was right, they did need some time away from each other. They had been through hell and back, they could survive some time apart.

Castle found his mother sitting on the couch in their living room, when he got back home.

"Hello mother." Castle said, putting his bag down and joining her on the couch.

"Hello darling, did Katherine find you?" Martha asked.

"She did." Castle said with a sigh.

"What happened?" Martha asked, concerned.

"She told me, she loved me." Castle said.

"Well that's great, isn't it?" Martha asked.

"It is." Castle said, a mix of tiredness and sadness in his voice.

"Then why are you so upset?" Martha asked, confused.

"She isn't ready. She wants to be but she isn't. I told her that we should take some time off from each other, to figure out what we want." Castle said.

"I know that was hard for you, darling but you did the right thing." Martha said, putting her arm around Richard's shoulder.

"Did I? What if she's never ready? What if this is as ready as she'll ever be and I just let her go?" Castle asked, starting to feel frustrated.

"Richard, the two of you have been through so much together. You deserve a real shot at a relationship and if she's not ready, there's no point jeopardising what seems to be the real thing." Martha said.

"But what if she's never ready or what if her wall comes down and she realises, I'm not what she really wants?" Castle said.

"When two people love each other, as much as you and Katherine do, they always find their way back to each other. You could've been selfish and told her that you wanted to be with her but you put her first. You're giving her time to heal and she's going to love for it." Martha said.

"I really hope so." Castle said, putting his head-on Martha's shoulder.

Castle felt hopeless and hurt. He knew he had done the right thing. They need to figure this out for themselves, as individuals before they could be together; but the thought of being away from Kate broke his heart. All he could do was believe against all odds, they would be together, in the end.


	5. Chapter 5

Castle and Beckett hadn't spoken to each other in weeks and it was killing them. So many times, Castle had thought about calling Kate, putting an end to this whole thing off but he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. He decided to focus on his writing but that turned out to be harder than he thought it would be.

Castle sat in his study, staring at the blank document open on his screen. He was distracted by Martha walking in.

"How's the writing going, darling?" Martha asked.

"It's just not going." Castle said, rubbing his forehead.

"Are you having a little writer's block?" Martha asked, taking a seat in front of Castle.

"I guess so." Castle said.

"Does this have anything to do with your time off from Katherine?" Martha asked.

"I hope not. I mean I wrote before I met her but now it just feels like all my writing abilities are tied to her, among other things." Castle said.

"Maybe you should talk to her." Martha said.

"Maybe." Castle said, picking up his phone.

"I'm going to leave you to it." Martha said, walking out of the room.

Castle stared at this phone for a moment, so tempted to call up Beckett and finally hear the voice he had been missing but he put his phone down, deciding to give his writing one more shot.

Beckett wasn't doing well either. A murder she had been investigating had been taking its toll on her. All she wanted was to be able to talk to Castle, he always knew how to make these situations better. She had been fighting the urge to talk to Castle for days but she couldn't take it anymore. She decided to text him.

"Hey." Beckett typed, nervously. She stared at the screen for a moment, her thumb hovering over the send button. Before she could change her mind, she pressed the button, knowing she couldn't go any longer without talking to him.

"Hey." Castle replied in an instant. He was almost euphoric when he saw Kate's text. As much as he wanted to be responsible and do the right thing for her, he missed her more than he could say.

"I know this breaks the rules of our little arrangement but I really needed to talk to you." Kate said.

"If you hadn't texted me, I would've. What's going on?" Castle asked.

"I have a really hard case and I don't know how to deal with it without you here with me. I miss you." Kate said.

"I miss you too. How are you doing?" Castle asked.

"I'm fine but I can't seem to crack it." Beckett said.

"What is the case about?" Castle asked.

"An associate at a big law firm got murdered. I can tell you more, if we meet." Beckett said. She wasn't sure about this, she thought Castle would turn her down but she needed to try. She missed him way too much.

"The swings in half an hour?" Castle asked.

"See you there." Beckett said. She squealed with happiness at the text.

Castle put down his phone, with a huge smile on his face. He thought, how could one meeting hurt? Maybe they needed to meet just to see how much progress they had already made.

Even though they had met thousands of times before, they suddenly felt nervous as they each drove to their special place. It was like starting over, trying to figure out where the other stood.

As Castle walked into the park, he saw Beckett sitting on one of the swings. He looked at his watch thinking he was late.

"Hey, I thought we were meeting in half an hour. Sorry about being late." Castle said, sitting down on the swing next to Beckett.

"You weren't late, I was early." Beckett said with a small smile.

"How've you been?" Castle asked.

"I want to say I've been good but that would be a lie." Beckett said, sadness lacing her voice.

"Me too. I haven't been able to write a word." Castle said.

"I know you're trying to help but I don't want to do this without you." Beckett said, holding Castle's hand.

Castle looked at Beckett for a moment, trying to find the strength to stay away from her.

"I don't either." Castle said.

Beckett reached over and gave Castle a slow and passionate kiss. She had been waiting for this for so long. Both of them were tired of waiting, neither of them could be without each other. They wanted to spend their lives together and they wanted to start now. As they pulled away, they looked at each other with smiles on their faces.

They stood up and hugged and swayed a bit as they did. Beckett felt safe, protected, the way only Castle could make her feel. As she hugged him, Castle suddenly felt limp, his entire weight falling on Kate.

"Castle?" Beckett asked worriedly.

Castle didn't say a word.

As she pulled away, Kate touched Castle's lower back which appeared to be wet. She pulled away her hand to see what was on it, only to find her hand covered in blood. The second she let Castle go a bit, he fell forward, revealing a gunshot wound on his back.

"Castle! Castle!" Beckett screamed as she bent down to hold his face.

Castle's eyes were open but he couldn't speak.

Beckett looked up, trying to find who had shot Castle but she could see no one around. She felt completely lost, as she cried uncontrollably. She tried to calm herself and called 911.

"Stay with me Castle. I love you. Please stay with me, Rick. I love you" Beckett said, crying not knowing what else to do.

The ambulance was there in moments and as they put Castle on the stretcher, she tried best to describe to the paramedic, what had happened. Kate stayed with Castle in the ambulance, holding his hand. Tears couldn't stop flowing down her cheeks. She called Martha, Espo and Ryan, all of whom met her at the hospital.

The doctors were waiting at the dock when the ambulance reached the hospital. They rushed Castle into surgery, all of which happened in such a hurry that it felt like a blur. Kate found Martha, Alexis, Ryan and Espo in the waiting room.

"What happened?" Alexis walked to Kate, crying.

"We were in the park. We were hugging and he suddenly went limp. As soon as I realised he was shot, I called 911. I tried looking for the person who might have shot him but I couldn't find anyone." Kate said.

Alexis began crying uncontrollably as she hugged Martha, who was also crying.

"Do you know of anyone who would want to hurt Rick?" Kate asked.

"No, he hadn't mentioned anything to me." Martha said, between sobs.

"I promise you, I will find who did this." Kate said, trying to be strong.

Kate walked away, over to Ryan and Espo.

"We're going to find whoever did this." Ryan said, trying to be reassuring.

"Look through his financials, his phone. Anything and everything that can tell us what happened." Kate said, tears falling down her face.

"Right away." Ryan said.

"I'll come with you guys." Kate said.

"No, you won't. You should stay here with Martha and Alexis." Espo said.

Kate didn't protest. She wanted to help, be in control but as each moment passed, she felt herself withering away.

Espo gave Kate a hug and Ryan and he headed to the precinct.

Kate sat down in a chair next to Alexis and Martha. Kate felt like she was the one who had been shot, an overpowering pain enveloping her. She couldn't help but feel like this was her fault. Maybe if she never texted him, none of this would've happened. She sat in her chair, every moment, every memory of her and Castle flashing before her eyes. She needed him to be okay, she needed him to stay.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hey guys! I know I disappeared for a bit there but whenever I tried to write, life seemed to get in the way. I hope you guys like the update and where the story goes. Let me know what you think!

Beckett had spent all of her time between the precinct and the hospital. It had been two days since Castle was shot and even though his surgery had been successful, he still hadn't woken up yet.

"Please tell me you got something." Kate said, walking toward Espo's desk. She looked exhausted, as if she hadn't slept a minute in the past 48 hours.

"We've been looking through Castle's financials and phone records with a fine-tooth comb." Espo said.

"And?" Kate asked.

"A number kept popping up at infrequent intervals." Espo said, handing Kate a piece of paper and pointing at the highlighted number.

"Okay, track it down." Kate said.

"We can't, all the calls were made from a burner phone." Ryan said. He hated the fact that they hadn't found anything yet. He wanted to get the son of a bitch who did this to Castle but he didn't know what else to do.

"Is there any way to check how Castle called this person?" Beckett asked.

"I'll ask IT but it's unlikely that they'll find anything. There were only incoming calls from this number and they don't seem to occur in any pattern." Ryan said.

"So this is another dead-end." Kate said, the frustration evident in her voice.

"Hey, we will find who did this." Espo said, trying to be reassuring.

"Well what if we don't, huh?" Kate asked, looking at Espo with a helplessness in her eyes that made his heart break.

"We will, I promise. Why don't you go home and get some rest? We can handle things here." Espo said.

Before Kate could say anything, her phone began to ring.

"Hey Martha, is everything okay?" Kate asked, answering the phone. She felt like she couldn't breathe. All she wanted to hear was that Castle was okay.

"I'll be right there." Kate said, grabbing her jacket off her chair.

"What happened?" Ryan asked, worried by the tears forming in Beckett's eyes.

"Castle's vitals dropped. They think he might be bleeding internally. They've taken him into surgery." Beckett said, staring into the distance. She felt as if she was somewhere else, wanting to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Beckett began walking, not really listening to what Espo and Ryan where saying behind her. She knew they wanted to help, try and say something that would suddenly make this a little better for her but the only person who could save her right now was Castle. So, she tried to get to him as fast as she possibly could, even if just to be around him.

Kate joined Martha in the waiting room.

"Katherine." Martha said, with a small smile.

"What happened?" Kate asked, taking a seat next to Martha.

"The nurse was checking Richard's vitals when they started dropping. They rushed him into surgery, they suspect internal bleeding but they'll know for sure only once they're in there." Martha said.

"I wish I could've seen him before they took him in." Kate said, staring at the ground.

"I know, I'm sorry darling. It all happened so fast, I barely knew what was happening. All they said was that time is of the essence." Martha said, putting a hand on Kate's.

"I understand. Where is Alexis?" Kate asked, trying to stop herself from crying.

"She's gone to get us some coffee, she said she couldn't just sit here." Martha said.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, the heaviness of the silence surrounding them hitting them like a punch in the stomach.

"I'm so sorry, Martha." Kate said as she started to cry.

"Oh darling, for what?" Martha asked.

"All of this is my fault. Ever since I have come into Rick's life, I've put him in so much danger. I can't help but think he would be so much better off without me." Kate said, crying uncontrollably.

"Katherine, I have never seen Richard as happy as when he is with you. He loves you, more than he has ever loved anyone. He was happy, he had a good life before you but he only started living once he met you. None of this is your fault and Richard will tell you the same thing once he's awake." Martha said, hugging Kate.

Kate and Martha were joined by Alexis. After they'd spent some time talking, all of them fell silent; each of them praying and hoping in their own way. All of them thinking about Castle and how they couldn't wait to see him.

After what felt like an eternity, the doctor came out of the OR.

"Mrs Rodgers?" The doctor asked as he walked toward the three women.

"Yes." Martha said, standing up.

"Mr. Castle's spleen had been severely damaged by the gun shot. When we removed the bullet in the first surgery, we made basic repairs in order to slow down the bleeding. The repairs gave way which is why he was rushed to surgery today. We had to remove a part of his spleen. The surgery was a success." The doctor said.

"Is this why he hadn't woken up after the first surgery?" Martha asked.

"It could be. We have made the repairs so if this was the cause, it won't be a problem anymore." The doctor said.

"Does that mean Richard is going to be okay?" Martha asked.

"Yes, if all goes well, he should be awake in a few hours." The doctor said, smiling reassuringly.

The women hugged each other, relieved to know that the man they loved was going to be okay.

Kate let Martha and Alexis go see Castle first. Even though Castle still hadn't woken up because of the effects of the anaesthesia, she still wanted to go talk to him.

"Hey babe." Kate said, walking into the hospital room.

She stood at the foot of the bed, staring at Castle for a moment. He looked pale and weak. He lay motionless, almost as if he were asleep. She hated seeing him like this, she hated not being able to do anything to make this better for him.

She slowly walked toward the chair next to the bed and took a seat. She took Castle's hand in hers and stared at it for a moment.

"You really scared us back there." Kate said, looking up at Castle, hoping he would open his eyes and give her that smirk that had made her fall in love with him.

"This isn't really how I imagined we'd spend our first few days as a couple but I'll take, if you just open those beautiful eyes of yours.." Kate said, tears falling down her face as she kissed Castle's hand.

"I love you, Rick and I need you to wake up for me so we can spend the rest of our lives together." Kate said, crying.

She sat there for a while, just staring at him, feeling like it was enough just to be near him, to be looking at him. She had been there for an hour, when she felt his fingers move in her hand.

"Castle?" Kate said, starting to get hopeful.

"Hmmm." Castle said, looking around.

Kate rushed to the door frame to call for the doctor. As she began to call Martha, Castle began to look around.

"Where am I?" Castle asked.

"You're in the hospital, you were shot but you're going to be okay." Kate said, with a smile. It felt like a load had been lifted from her chest.

"Who are you?" Castle asked with a confused look on her face.

Kate didn't know what to say. She just stood there, as doctors began flooding the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Kate stood there, frozen. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. A part of her wanted to scream at the top of her voice, do anything to escape this nightmare. She took a deep breath, calming herself, getting ready to talk to the doctor.

"What does this mean doctor?" Kate asked, once the doctor and she had stepped out of the room. Alexis and Martha stood next to her, still trying to understand what was going on.

"Mr. Castle's body and mind have undergone a lot of stress. This could be a number of things." The doctor said.

"Does this mean he has lost his memory?" Kate asked, still utterly confused.

"No, not necessarily. He might just be confused and under stress. We should let him get some sleep and once the anaesthesia has worn off, he might be fine. Mr. Castle was very agitated when he woke up, so we've given him something to relax. He's probably going to sleep through the night." The doctor said.

"I can't believe any of this is happening." Alexis said, crying.

"Oh kiddo, he's going to be okay." Martha said, hugging her granddaughter, trying to convince herself everything would be okay.

As the days passed, Castle started getting better; each day, remembering a bit more.

"Hey Rick." Kate said, walking into his room.

"Hey, just the person I wanted to see." Rick said with a smile on his face.

Kate smiled at him and took a seat next to the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Kate asked.

"I'm fine but how are you doing?" Rick asked.

"I'm fine too." Kate said, looking down at her hands.

"I know the past few days have been very hard for you and I know we haven't gotten a chance to talk." Rick said, holding Kate's hand.

Kate didn't say anything, she just looked at into Rick's eyes as an overwhelming urge to breakdown took over her.

"Come here." Rick said, pulling Kate's hand to make her lie next to him.

As she lay in Rick's arms, Kate just let go. All of the pain that she had locked up inside of her, every horrible thought and fear that she had about losing him that she had brushed aside just so she could be strong for him and his family came rushing back.

Castle didn't say anything, he just held Kate close to him, trying to let her know he wasn't going anywhere.

The next few days passed the same way for Kate. She spent all her time either at the hospital or the precinct. Espo and Ryan had been trying to do everything to find Castle's shooter but everything seemed to be a dead end. She had been wanting to ask Castle about those unknown calls but was waiting for him to get better. This had been a stressful enough experience, she didn't want to push him before he was ready.

"Hey babe." Kate said, walking into Castle's room with a file in her hand.

"Hey, you look worried, what's wrong?" Castle asked, sitting up.

"We've been trying to find your shooter and to do that we've been trying to piece everything together. The only thing we can't trace are these calls you've been getting. Do you remember who they're from?" Beckett asked, handing Castle the fine and pointing to the highlighted number.

Castle looked at the number and knew instantly who it was from. He took a deep breath, dreading having to take to Kate about this.

Seeing Castle's expressions, Kate knew something was wrong. "What is it?" She asked.

"These calls are from Mr. Smith." Castle said.

"Who is that?" Kate asked.

"He's a friend of Captain Montgomery's. Before he died, Montgomery sent him a file that contained information about the people who killed your mother. Mr. Smith has been using it as leverage to keep you safe. He's been in touch with me to keep you out of danger." Castle said.

"I can't believe you've been hiding this from me. How could you, Castle?" Kate asked, not being able to contain her anger.

"I was trying to protect you." Castle said.

"Goddammit Castle." Kate said, hissing at Rick.

"I knew if I told you, you'd go after them." Castle said.

"That's right. They killed my mother, Castle. You know how important it is for me to bring her killers to justice. It's my whole life." Kate said.

"It shouldn't be, Kate. I was just trying to make sure you would be able to have a life to live." Castle said.

"That wasn't your call to make. What did he say when he called you?" Kate asked, feeling angrier than she had ever felt.

"Kate..." Castle started.

"Tell me." Kate said.

"That they were getting close to him, that they might try and hurt you." Richard said.

"I thought we were past these secrets, Castle. Why can't we just talk to each other? We've been through hell and back, but we somehow can't have an honest conversation with each other. These secrets are going to destroy us." Kate said, picking up her jacket and file and starting to leave.

"Where are you going?" Castle asked.

"I need to think." Kate said, walking out before Castle could say another word.

Castle couldn't believe they were back here again, at this place where she was trying to push him away again. He understood how much she wanted to get justice, he wanted the same thing for her but not at the cost of her life.

Beckett decided to go to the precinct, she needed answers.

"Yo Beckett, you got a second?." Espo asked.

"Yeah, did you guys find something?" Beckett asked.

"We found a homeless man near the park who said he saw a man near the swings around the time Castle got shot. We got him with a sketch artist and asked tech to run it with the database. The results showed that it was a man named Maddox. He's a professional killer." Espo said.

Beckett stood there, trying to process all of this information.

"There's more. Ballistics came back on the bullet and it appears that Castle was shot with the same gun that was used to shoot you." Ryan said.

Kate slumped down in the chair next to her. All of it came down on her like a ton of bricks. Somehow all the anger washed away and all that was left was overpowering guilt. She felt responsible for what happened to Castle. She needed to see him, to tell him she was sorry for everything.

Kate slowly walked into Castle's room.

"Kate." Castle said, sitting up.

"I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry." Beckett said, hugging Rick.

"What happened?" Castle asked, pulling away from her.

"We found who shot you." Kate said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"What? Who is it?" Castle asked.

"It's the same person who shot me. They were probably trying to shoot me but ended up shooting you instead. I'm so sorry, Castle." Kate said, as she began to cry.

"Hey, none of this is your fault." Castle said.

"When you got shot, I kept thinking about all of the things I hadn't said to you. All of the things I wanted us to have together, the life I had imagined for us. I kept saying that I would give everything up, just to have you here with me." Kate said.

"I'm here." Rick said, pulling Kate close.

"I don't want to put you in any danger, Castle." Kate said.

"You aren't. I'm okay and we're okay. We can do this together, Kate. I know you want to protect me, just the way I want to protect you but we can't keep pushing each other away. I don't want to be scared of anything, anymore. I want to live my life and I want to live it with you." Castle said.

Kate looked up at Castle and kissed him. She couldn't believe he was here, with her. Both of them held onto each other as tightly as they could, trying to say so many things with a passionate kiss, pulling apart only when couldn't breathe anymore.

"I love you. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get here but I do." Kate said.

"I love you too." Castle said.

Castle and Beckett just lay there in each other's arms. Theirs had been a long journey, filled with more challenges than they could count but neither of them wanted to change a thing, because it was only just beginning.


End file.
